My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
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FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
A roof is a house hat.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad: