*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
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*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
opening twitter today
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Finally! 😈
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers