Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
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Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.