Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
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If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
The news is so predictable nowadays
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.