My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
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Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?