once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
You Might Also Like
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Lassie, get help!
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.