NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
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scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
classic mixup
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter