SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
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I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
OH. COME. ON.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do