cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
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I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.