What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
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The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
fr
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
(2022)
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.