if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
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It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Good morning.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
shampoo implies shampee
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering