*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
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7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Hmmmmm
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy