Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
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Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
There’s never enough good news
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar