[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
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Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
can’t believe I got front row seats
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]