The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
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My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know