A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
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You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Perfect
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”