Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
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Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased