I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
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Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.