Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
You Might Also Like
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.