Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
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When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
I’m awake but I object,
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME