Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
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[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
This is true.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Wednesday
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.