If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
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What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.