If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
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There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner