Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
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The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?