If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
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Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.