figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
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Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
You can’t rush stupid.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.