Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
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what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Have kids, they said
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race