Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
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ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too