me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
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My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
how to have an accident 101
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
something like this could probably happen to anyone
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Why is everyone getting married at me
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.