Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
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me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what