A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
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Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
mariah carrie
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days