ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
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I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
my name if I was in the mob
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.