“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
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rise and shine we got egg
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Science memes
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*