when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
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My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Put the is in disheveled
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
yes, those are my real potatoes.
I feel seen
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler