Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
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wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood