I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
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If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”