Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
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Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Got ya covered
Do one person every day that scares you.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call