Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
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Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Its a hippotatomus
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…