This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
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cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don鈥檛 mention it.
Well, that should do it
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 馃槀
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe