Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
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Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy