The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
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Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call