Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
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HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.