“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
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This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
#math
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo