DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
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Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??