Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
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How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.