Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
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The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.