My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
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My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.