“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
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No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.