sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
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My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Jesus Christ lmao
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
This did not end as expected.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.