Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
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Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Oh no
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.